cause you are

wholeheartless @ 2008-06-24T10:29:00

2008-06-24T14:30:00Z

your spoiled rotten, through to the core.

wholeheartless @ 2008-06-23T15:48:00

2008-06-23T19:55:27Z

to be so brazen as to believe that my lips do not have the need to whisper but you whisper at such a short distance it is no longer a secret you are telling but a gift that is given. then i shall give you a kiss. peter held out his hand and wendy kissed his lips. oh my how your cheeks are flush and red.

wholeheartless @ 2008-06-23T15:40:00

2008-06-23T19:46:02Z

i close my eyes and the sun shines through my eyelids bright and cleansing. you lean in too close for me to find comfort frightfully making conversations a kiss away from his cheek and how should i feel? i boil. knuckles white, heartfelt tears well at the corners of my eyes. but to no avail you continue to giggle and imagine one on one encounters behind closed doors. and i, i jealously do my best to find sure footing on an ever wavering ocean of drunkards. she closes my eyes with an angry drunken kiss.

wholeheartless @ 2008-06-23T15:35:00

2008-06-23T19:40:15Z

and there is a burning again pins and needles in forgotten organs my hands move weightlessly and begin anew thank you for your words, i need something to cover and change now.

wholeheartless @ 2008-03-27T10:39:00

2008-03-27T14:47:44Z

i sat and lurked for the first time in a while checking to see if i was on any ones lips or minds. im so incredibly sick of the navy and just this part of my life. i really want to vanish like an assistant in a little kids magic act presto and im gone but to the onlookers dismay i cant be brought back. i feel that way now. im not sure what anywhere has to offer me anymore. the longer im away from places i realize that there isnt much left for me. just have to find a little patch of ground and start digging my grave. i miss people but not florida. geography is bullshit and my geometry isnt so good.

wholeheartless @ 2007-12-10T15:02:00

2007-12-10T20:03:51Z

i really want a reason to smile today.

wholeheartless @ 2007-05-07T07:40:00

2007-05-07T11:44:51Z

as i had been thinking beki left me... thats all i have to say about that im guessing. start planning trips to come see me mother fuckers. i have zig zagged my way across this damn nation im putting my roots down. i got a job at this topless a go go im gonna train hard and do the male review when it comes through. ps everyone there is really nice its helping me keep myself busy.

wholeheartless @ 2007-04-30T08:00:00

2007-04-30T12:02:10Z

i had a thought last night "people have always treated me like shit." i just have to accept that it wont ever change. if i get out of the navy in the next few months i think ill just vanish.

wholeheartless @ 2007-04-30T07:58:00

2007-04-30T12:00:15Z

i think shes going to leave me if she hasn't already. 7 days without even a phone call. my life is amazing and i love and miss you all.

wholeheartless @ 2007-03-29T10:28:00

2007-03-29T14:40:47Z

beki and roxanne should be moving up here soon enough. ive been painting and arting it up lately. i need to wash my uniforn spruce it up abit. i miss home and friends. ive been renting alot of movies lately lots of tv shows too. any suggestions for good tv shows or movies that are out just let me know. im trying to get healthy as always i figure i should give up smoking just like ive given up the other vices ive had, i.e. (women, drinking, general whore behavior.) im hoping to start working on my recording studio soon enough. just the basics for now i guess. i think i may have found a store in virginia beach that will make custom furniture for my house i have most of it taken care of but i really want a couch with alot of character or at least as much character as an inanimate object can have unless... i make a couch out of animals in crates. it might be cruel but who wouldnt want to sit on a couch made of strays. i need a digital camera. and some more knick knacks so if anyone has something to donate let me know.

miss you guys.

wholeheartless @ 2007-03-23T07:37:00

2007-03-23T12:02:20Z

i lay here in a single bed far to sprawling and vast to be alone. i dig my hands into the blanket cutting out a place for you to rest you bones as the tune in my head greedily eats away at me acidic and sullen. in a flash the walls of questions and darkness bend around me threatening to swallow me without doing me the favor of chewing./ a blast from a bugle and muffled words call out "RISE THE KING THIS WAY COMES!" the artificial sun is summoned by a stern man painted in white with shiny ribbons and a stern chin i leap from my bed into fresh clothes and become a tree. as tall as 5'7 has ever been and as quiet as my mouthy heartbeat could allow. thoughts of you fill my eyes with light and worry.

its crap i need practice.

wholeheartless @ 2007-03-22T07:40:00

2007-03-22T11:51:24Z

long time no care. im still in the navy im in Portsmouth, Va. i pretty horrible place when im by my lonesome. i got married jan 16 to rebecca joy brannen. its going well. ive grown up quite a bit as of late. i have my own apartment now no longer living within the confines of a barraks. beki is finishing her album which is quite exciting then shell be joining me here. as far as my health ive had 2 major surgeries on my ear and skull and all that jazz. things are new as am i.

wholeheartless @ 2006-09-15T00:24:00

2006-09-14T22:25:55Z

plans for this weekend get shitty dance to bad music work out and work on speaking norge.

wholeheartless @ 2006-09-13T10:10:00

2006-09-13T08:12:08Z

detox

wholeheartless @ 2006-09-12T11:07:00

2006-09-12T09:09:42Z

i want to make more art. and love i want that too. but without one the other is so much better.

i come home every night to another person sleeping in my bed. watch me cut my own throat.

2006-08-20T23:13:10Z

the stitches in my ear really get on my nerves always shifting anscratching. i really cant wait for this to be over. if ever there was a time to just fucking go blank it would be right now i mean for fuck sake how much self exploration can one person do before they begin to think fuck im not much of anything. seriously "you live in a paradise", "it must be so beautiful" come on fuck off. i dont even have a back bone fuck i wish i could stand up to people to myself just tell them all no. no thank you. just get lost. people here arnt cultured they arnt the salt of the fucking earth theyre sad shiftless wastes and i dont want to be that. "excuse me driver, take me home."

wholeheartless @ 2006-08-20T04:01:00

2006-08-20T02:18:58Z

i sit solemly smoking another in an endless stream of cigarettes fucking the hell out of my honeyrum and diet coke surrounded by gods deliberate test of my ability to cope with worthless people. ive begun to detest alot of things i need to work on that ill add it to the list. i eat lots of apples no on my quest for veganism. trying to become this better machine. i spoke to an english woman for an hour tonight it was a nice treat. not to say i prefer the accient just that im tired of the only people i find who do speak english dont hold up to much when it comes to conversation. and spanish hasnt found its whit with me yet. i tried to watch skycaptain .....tomorrow. yeah i wish i hadnt. i love who i consider my family and i cant wait to come home to give them a big hug. ive gotten drunk lately and have been snapped back to so many nights lately its nice to have some warm thoughts buzzing about. i never believed it but some thing will never leave me. none of them will thats for sure. oh my ears alright after the surgery and all i have my 1 week follow up monday so thats tits but theres this really bothersome single tone i hear all the time. it annoys.
love
doves

wholeheartless @ 2006-08-17T00:56:00

2006-08-16T23:17:28Z

memories of you boil out of me like a gospel hymn sweltering and beautiful, the ratio of sky to earth of blood to booze, its ever growing and she makes her decision as i draw softly on a cigarette. she motions for me. my mind references practiced pages as i flip through the scripts in my head. whats on the bill tonight? her lips purse and she begins to sing, my deaf ears turn keen. she whispers horrific things and i smile as i struggle for translation finding only a half empty drink. i ask for a room with a heart shaped vibrating bed figure if im going to be trash why not fucking make it count. i shed my blood and clothes making my way to the cold tile and lay on the ground for a moment collecting what hatred i have left for you, i ball it all up into a string of curse words and say "cheers to you sugar." as i wash you away with cheap whiskey. she calls to me and the curtain raises. the warmth of my skin is cut by rod iron and dry night air.

put my lungs and heart into seperate jars i cant stand to have them fight anymore

2006-08-08T20:15:54Z

this is the last time. inner dialog is stifled by chemicals and synapses firring. fuck if this dosnt feel right she buries her face into a single use pillow case as the television flickers to the pulse of the oil war. we are imperfect perpetual motion single malt cause for casualty sex laden loss of morals. on display for gods eyes. and i stand there puzzled is this what he meant for people to see? infrared photographed lines of carbon on woven cloth, he thought he had covered it all up. painted over it with mounds of dirt and a simple sweet rose garden and an even fairer specimen. is this what he intended us to see. why would he have written words on his body. they cut out his organs and stored them away and he was clean. adorned with fine silks. he was cleaned. they buried him with all of his worldly possessions to say that he may need to buy his way into heaven. she smiled and leaned over planks of wood. 1.)Purchase lengths of wood. 2.)Cut to desired height and width (may vary depending on size of deceased) 3.)fasten together in shape of a box. from there you are essentially finished you may choose to adorne with wood carvings or perhaps trim. it smelled as though the varnish was still wet as she pressed her lips to the coffin (casket, pine-box, dead-end job, your lips) and a stream of thoughts ran through her mind and down her cheek. good night sleep tight. umbrellas formed a roof over the grave but we couldnt keep the flood waters out. we smiled as we covered him with dirt we sang as we covered him with dirt because we knew he'd never hurt us again.

wholeheartless @ 2006-08-07T20:12:00

2006-08-07T18:34:52Z

lets see whats going on with me. i took this weekend for myself. i went friday and got on a train and headed towards madrid. i spent the next 4 and a half hours easdropping on spansih peoples conversations. this family sat behind me but the let their children run free the young boy, 3ish spent most of the trip kicking the back of my seat and crying when his parents tried to stop him. i would have asked his parents nicely to perhaps restain him maybe seddate but i didnt want to come off as a forign asshole so instead i bit my tongue and watched broken flowers in spanish. i arrived in madrid around 1 in the afternoon and was feeliing a bit peckish so i bought a 2lt of water and headed out to discover new things lots of cheap shops most of whitch are owned and operated by "chinos" which are asians who speak perfect spanish its offputting. but many bargains were to be had though i did not succomb. instead i walked on. i kept seeing lots of transients everywhere which is much the case most everywhere but wanted to do something and rather just walk by or hand them a few euros i went and bought some bread and fruit and water and gave it out where i could stopping to have lunch with an old man martin and his dog "scooby". i did the best i could to understand what all he was talking about but his spanish was slurred not to mention his lack of teeth all in all he was a wonderful lunch date. i then walked over to the gardens and the park both of which were amazing. later that day drinking and more spanish food followed by a nice hostal. i went to the art museum the next day and saw some really beautiful exhibits using infared tech to capture the artists original pencil strokes and also works of goya and picasso. i hope to visit the dali museum sometime in december but im not sure i have to see i really want to use some of my first leave well my first big trip for home then use the other 60 days ill have earned here for traveling around europe. i miss my friends and feel more and more alone everyday people tell me that i should enjoy this time that its one in a lifetime but with out the people you breathe for what makes these things worth it. i love my friends more than anything. and they know that if i could be with them i would.

i smiled so much my cheeks hurt

2006-08-07T18:11:56Z

my eyes dart towards hers for a moment and im back on the floor of her bedroom. i wrap my leg around her body, my arms around her body and pull her closer to me until our bodies form a "T" i close my eyes and smell the air. i close my eyes harder because i dont want to forget this i want to sear it with pain because i dont want to forget this. light fills my eyes and im outside of my house staring at the sky.

wholeheartless @ 2006-07-27T08:55:00

2006-07-27T13:51:48Z

there has been a death in the family and im too fucking far to help or get there. great.

de tierra

2006-07-24T18:18:21Z

fuck it

wholeheartless @ 2006-07-09T17:49:00

2006-07-09T15:57:22Z

i have nightmares where you hate me where you cant stand me 3 in a row now i dont know what to do im scarred here and wrapped up in sheets. trembling without the flashlight you left me it broke or i broke it in a fit. a noise a thud at the foot of the bed i draw closer and shadows creep on creeky floors. fuck it im lost and i hate every feeling im feeling im just a fucking footnote in all of my friends lives. because though im gone nothing stops so its all just overgrowth green grass. no home to run home to i have nothing i lost love to many times to risk gambling and i think i would travel 4000 miles for the people i loved but they wouldnt do that for me. i have these bad dreams and your in them. im alone. nobody likes me everybody hates me i think ill go eat worms. hahahaha
love you guys
sincerely
ray

wholeheartless @ 2006-06-30T17:26:00

2006-06-30T15:28:01Z

feeling lonely. just want to make my way down to the whorehouse in jarez this feelin has just got to stop. i miss home and people. real people.